veturius | (no subject)

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I've been mostly keeping to myself since the arrival of Demetrius' body. I'd let people help me with burying him but after that, I'd disappeared. When I went out, it was at night to lessen the chance someone I knew saw me and even then, I made sure my trips were short.

Everything was such a mess. I didn't know how I was going to continue living here with what I'd done. Being back in Serra meant I could at least try and atone for what I'd done by helping Laia and Darin. But, I was here now, here with people that I'd tried not to care about (and did anyway). Separation and disconnection was the only way I could see to keep them safe.

I, of course, hadn't told them that.

The sun was just starting to set on another day of me keeping to myself inside my apartment. I'd taken to trying to use the appliances in my kitchen since I was isolating myself so much. I'd only burned a few things though one of those things had just been burned so the smell of smoke and charred food was wafting through my apartment.

I'd opened my windows, letting the warm air in and taken a seat on sofa with a book. I'd been doing this a lot recently too, trying to absorb the history of a place that had shaken me so much. I wanted to know why and what and how. The books weren't providing much but I continued on because I needed to do something to fill up the time that I now had.

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It's not in her nature to sidestep. She's never bothered messing around with that kind of thing before, and she doesn't know why exactly she's started to let it happen now. Maybe it's because she likes him and she hasn't wanted to like anyone since Finn. It had felt like a betrayal before, but it's been over a year since she watched him die and she needs to move on. She wants to move on, and Elias has the kind of face (and arms, and chest, and everything) that is all the more encouraging.

When he's not pushing her away.

He's been through hell this month, she knows that, but she's decided that enough is enough. She wants to be able to help him and she can't do that if he's going to keep shoving her to arm's length. His friend has been buried and Raven is hoping that maybe some of the pain might have been buried with him, but she's not convinced that's going to be the case. She hasn't heard from him in the week or so since the body arrived, but she hadn't expected to. He needed time, she knows she would too, but she thinks she's given him that. Now, she wants the cards laid out on the table, and she wants to know what's going on.

Raven can't imagine he'd be anywhere else but his apartment, so she knocks on the door, half expecting him not to answer.

The knock pulls me out of the hazy blankness I've descended into while reading and makes me pull my head up. I stare at the door like I might be able to see who's behind it without opening it up but there's only a handful of people who would come looking for me.

I consider not answering for a brief moment but toss that option aside when I realize it'll only make me more of a coward. So, I close my book and get up, crossing the room and pulling the door open slowly.

"Hello." My voice is rough from disuse and I clear my throat, leaning my head against the door while I look down at her. I hadn't expected her to come around again, if I was honest. I thought the knowing what I'd done and actually helping me bury a body would have sent her away in disgust.

Apparently, I was wrong. I stand there for a moment long before moving aside and inviting her in, closing the door behind her. "I didn't expect to see you."

She's a little surprised when he answers the door. His voice has a rough edge, like he hasn't spoken aloud in days, and he does look like he's spent the last week hiding out in his apartment. But he doesn't shut the door in her face, which is a good start.

Raven follows him inside, shaking her head. "Yeah well, I'm unpredictable," she drawls, moving into the apartment. She wants to say she's sorry for what happened, wants to ask how he is, but she gets the feeling he'll deflect if she asks. She can gather the answer isn't good anyway, how could it be? The body of his dead friend turned up in Darrow, that's enough to mess with anyone's head.

If she were Clarke, she might have brought a casserole or something else ridiculous to make sure he's being fed properly. Raven's a crappy cook and it hadn't even occurred to her, so she's here empty handed. She glances over at him, biting her lip a little. "You kind of disappeared, there," she points out instead.

"I wasn't good to be around," I tell her, moving forward and gesturing to the couch I'd just been on, silently inviting her to take a seat. I make quick work of the book I'd been reading, tossing it aside and sitting on one end of the couch since I expect assume she'll sit on the other.

I clasp my hands together, wringing them tightly for a moment while I tried to think of something to say. I don't want to sit there and stare at her in silence. She's come here of her own volition, Demetrius' body having not completely driven her away and I want to apologize, express my thankfulness, do something that isn't staring.

"I didn't realize I'd be missed," is what comes out of my mouth. I want to ask her why she's here and if she's all right. I want to know if this is the last time I'll see her because she's come here to tell me she's disgusted. "Are you here to tell me goodbye?"

Raven is used to Elias acting self-deprecating, but this time it has a ring of truth. Ordinarily she'd argue with him, but she can't imagine anyone would be good to be around if they'd been through what he has in the last week. It's more a statement of fact than anything, so she lets it hang, following him to the couch.

She sits down and for a beat he looks like he's trying to find something to say and is coming up blank. She doesn't like it when he falls into silence like this, because it usually means he's gearing up to tell her to stay away from him. This time though, he seems to be weighing his words differently than usual, even if it still seems a struggle.

"Well, you were," she counters, sitting on the other end of the couch. She hadn't expected that she would miss him but she did, and that's why she's here. She's sure there's more of a story behind what happened than he's telling her, and Raven doesn't think she's so bad a judge of character that she'd be so interested in him if he were a bad guy. She knows she has a more shady moral compass than most these days, but he still doesn't strike her as some cold-blooded killer. "No, Elias," she continues, sighing. "I came to make sure you're alright."

"So were you," I tell her quietly, keeping my eyes on my hands. Even if I had been fighting against letting her and anyone too close, I still had emotions that were unable to be completely suppressed. And I had missed her. She'd been one of the few constants in my life since I'd arrived here and despite all I'd done, she was still here.

"I'm -- I'm fine," I say and the lie immediately feels wrong. It hurts. It makes my stomach twist and turn over on itself. It makes me physically wince and I shake my head. "That's a lie. I'm not fine."

The truth, as hard as it is to admit, feels better. It makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, but it's just Raven and we're surrounded by my walls and nothing else.

"And you?" I ask, nodding at her. She'd been there to see Demetrius. I'd kissed her and pushed her away. I'd brought her close only to pull away when things got too close. "Are you all right?"

She hadn't expected that kind of admission, and the way it warms her a little surprises her, too. It's been a long time since she felt anything like it; since Finn gave up his first ration pack so she wouldn't starve, since he made the necklace she wears. The man in front of her is nothing like Finn, and she wonders what he'd think if he could see her now.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

She's about to tell him off for the lie when he does it himself, and that's new, too. She expected him to brush her off. Nobody she knows would be fine after what happened to him and it's more than understandable that he's not, either. She doesn't know how to help, exactly, but she thinks maybe the fact that he's stopped himself from lying about it at all is a good start.

"I'm figuring things out," she says slowly. A lot of things have happened recently and she's still trying to wrap her head around all of them, but she thinks she's doing okay. The bruises in the shape of Lincoln's fingers are gone, Demetrius is buried, and nobody she knows got badly hurt with the attack of the Hatchimals. It's hardly been a good month, but things are starting to recover. "Have you eaten?" If he's been shut away in here there's a good chance he hasn't, which isn't going to help at all.

"Today? I haven't." I gesture to the room and say, "I don't know if you can still smell it but I tried to use some of the appliances earlier and burned a few things. Luckily, no fire."

There was blackened food in the trash and a bottle of air freshener I'd bought after this happened previously in the garbage but everything was still in one piece though with a coat of soot that I hadn't dealt with. I'd gone without food for days before so I figured one day wouldn't hurt me. My stomach growls quietly when I think that and I make a face.

I don't know if I want to ask the next question that's in my head. I don't know if it's my place. I rub my thumb along my lower lip and ask it before I shut down and sit there, letting her handle the load of our conversation. Again.

"What are you figuring out?"

Now that he points it out, she can smell faint traces of it, something burned. She thinks about the upbringing he had and guesses they probably didn't have ovens and stoves where he came from. Neither did she, really, but Raven's good with machines and it hadn't taken her too long to get the hang of it.

His stomach rumbles and Raven smirks a little, turning to look at him. "You need to eat. Order in or go out?" He's just as welcome to kick her out and get food himself, she supposes, but she's hoping he doesn't. Fresh air would probably do him some good, in all honesty, but she can understand his preference to hide out in his apartment, too. At least if she's here with him she can make sure he does eat.

He asks the question and Raven doesn't know how to answer properly at first. For the most part, things aren't in her court. Lincoln is okay and Raven had forgiven him, even if she worries about him still. But ironically, community service seems to be doing him good, and she trusts that he'll be able to pull himself together. He's done it before, and she doesn't know many people stronger than him. The Hatchimals are mostly dead and her and Molly are both fine, though her leg has been giving her a little more trouble since. Clarke and Bellamy are both fine, so really all she can figure out is how long it's going to take before things start to feel normal again.

"It's been a hell of a month," she answers instead, shrugging her shoulder. "I always thought this city was so much better - safer - than back home, and I guess it's doing its best to prove me wrong."

I consider telling her that I went days sometimes without eating back home. Rations were scarce when we were Fivers and even when we'd become full fledged Masks, our food was never that generously spread around. I'd learned to live on what we were given. But, arguing about food seems exhausting and not fruitful at all. I know I can be stubborn but I suppose I can allow some leeway on this.

"I'd rather not go out right now," I tell her with a shake of my head. Though I've witnessed people moving on quickly both here and in Serra, I'd still like to avoid the looks and whispered words of anyone who saw me with Demetrius and heard me admit that I'd killed him.

So, I move to stand, retrieving the phone that I rarely use. It's screen is dark but I've learned how to activate it and I've used it to order food before. I'm staring down at the phone while she talks and it's a good way to hide any emotion that wants to express itself on my face.

My shoulders tense slightly and I make like I'm poking at buttons on the phone when I'm doing nothing of the sort.

"I...apologize for what you saw the other day," I say and my tongue feels thick and heavy in my mouth. "For what I said. It wasn't a lie, what you heard, but I shouldn't have involved you or anyone. So, I apologize and understand if that changes anything."

The answer doesn't come as a surprise, so she lets him get up and retrieve his phone. At least he's not protesting against eating at all, which is a start. She sees the way his shoulders tense suddenly, the way he pretends to be concentrating on the phone when he looks like he's doing anything but.

She expects him to tell her it was a mistake letting her in, to ask her to leave. She's readying herself for it when he speaks, and the apology takes her by surprise. It's the sort of thing he'd do, she figures, apologising for something that wasn't his fault. The city brought his friend here, opening up old wounds.

In all honesty she doesn't know if it does change anything. She's not sure exactly what he expects it to have changed. She likes him, and she's made that relatively obvious, but every time she makes to get closer he pushes her away. She's of two minds about it. Some days she's stubborn and annoyed enough to want to let him win, to walk away and leave him to it if he's going to keep her at arm's length. Others she wants to do the opposite, wants to keep pressing at him until she finds out what made him this way, how she can help.

Raven's no innocent, and she doesn't know whether that's how he sees her but she's adamant that he shouldn't. She's killed more than her fair share of people, she's watched her friends die, been shot in the back by one of them. The ground made killers of just about all of them, but they still had to find a way to be able to look each other in the eye.

"You don't have to apologise," she says, shaking her head. Apologising doesn't change what happened, it doesn't help Demetrius, and there's no sense in it. It's his history, for better or worse, and she just has to hope he finds a way to reconcile it. "It's not the first body I've seen." The admission of guilt is the more disturbing part, but she has to trust that there's some kind of reasoning behind it, the same way she has to believe that she and all her friends did what they did because they had to.

I'm just staring at my phone at this point. There were numbers saved inside the machine that would help me order pizza but I've gotten lost in my own head and lost in my memories. I'm not so far gone that I'm not hearing her words but I'm close. My eyes slip close and I shudder, letting the past overtake me for a second or two before shaking it off.

I stand there and stare at the blank screen on my phone because I can't fathom someone still wanting to be here despite what I've done. I can't understand how I haven't driven her away yet. Laia had been the same way, always fighting against me when I tried to keep her out of my life and away from all the chaos I brought with me. I didn't want Laia to be hurt. Now, I don't want Raven to be hurt by me.

Turning around, the phone still in my hand, I look at her but say nothing. I don't know what I want to say. Words are a struggle for me on the best of days but now, faced with someone who's been incredibly understanding about what she's seen and what she knows of me, I have nothing.

"I can't believe you're still here," I say, expecting it to sound accusing. It doesn't. It sounds awestruck. Amazed. Wanted. I don't understand why but she is and I shiver, shake my head and take a few steps closer to her.

I don't sit down though. I stand in front of her, looking down and trying to figure her out. Why. How. What's made her stick around for so long when I'm so clearly not a good person?

"Why?" I whisper, confused. "I don't want to hurt you and that happens to everyone that seems to get close to me. No matter what I do, what I want, people get hurt because of me."

He doesn't say anything at first, just goes from staring at his phone to staring at her. She waits him out, knowing he has something to say and waiting for him to get it out. Most of the time, she's left steering their conversations, but she wants to know what's going on in his head before she opens her mouth anymore.

When he does speak, the words come out a little more intense than she expected, and she doesn't know how to respond at first. She's still here because she likes him, because this isn't the weirdest hand Darrow or life has dealt her yet and she can handle it. She knows he seems to think she can't, but she also thinks he's not giving her enough credit.

"Hate to break it to you," she says slowly, a small smile on her lips, "but you're not the most messed up thing that's ever happened to me." Maybe he thinks he is, maybe he thinks he's going to hurt her somehow, but she disagrees. "My planet was destroyed, I got shot in the back and I'm partially paralysed. A lot of my friends died and my best friend stabbed my boyfriend in the heart." She takes a breath, eyeing him. There. All out on the table, all her cards laid. He can't hurt her any more than her mother did, than Murphy did, than even Clarke did, so she already knows that anything that happens, she can deal with.

She keeps her tone even, blunt. Darrow has given her room to breathe and move on and Raven knows she's in control of how she feels about everything that came before; she's telling him so he understands, but she's not about to lose it. "You can't hurt me, Elias. I'm made of tougher stuff than that."

There are so many things I could tell her to make her believe that I could truly hurt her. There are so many things lurking in my past, threatening to pop up with someone's arrival or a nightmare or an item showing up that trigger memories that bring up what I've done and what I might do.

But, she's not done telling me what's happened to her so I keep quiet, listen. Every new piece of information, I file away to perhaps ask about later, to offer help with or to commiserate with when times or tough. She's experienced a few things I haven't but overall, the horrible things in her life do rival mine for just how bad they've been.

My legs suddenly feel weak so I move again, dropping down beside her. I'm sitting closer now, within arms reach and I toss my phone down on the cushion next to me. I still haven't ordered food. My stomach is the last thing on my mind right now.

I lick my lips and gather myself a bit before doing anything. When I do move, it's not speak but to reach out and curve a hand against her cheek, feeling the soft wisps of her hair tickle my fingertips. I turn her face a bit towards mine and spend a few more moments just looking before I lean forward and press a kiss against her forehead.

When I pull back, I stay close, keep touching her. "My mother was the one to poison me. She pretty much killed me. There's no cure for the nightweed still in my blood. I don't know how the healers here have managed to keep me alive. But, that poison made me weak. I couldn't save Darin or Tas when we were all in Kauf. I'd gone there with that purpose, to try and get them out but I couldn't. The Warden was too -- "

My words sound jerky and strained so I take another deep breath to stabilize. "I care about you. I like you. I'm terrified of hurting you. I know what you've said, I've listened. I still worry."

He drops down beside her on the couch, the phone tossed beside him. Food is clearly off the table, but at least he seems to be relaxing somewhat. She turns to face him, following the line of his hand on her cheek. It's the first time he's touched her without prompting, she thinks, so that's something. Then he leans forward and kisses her forehead, and nobody has done that since Finn, since he would give her his rations and promise her she'd get through the week.

She closes her eyes for a moment, and then he's talking again. She'd known he was in a bad way when he arrived here, and she knows a little of the poison, but she'd thought the doctors were able to do more for him than they apparently have. She certainly hadn't known it was his mother who poisoned him, though with the way he's talked of her in the past, it's not necessarily surprising.

"I'm sorry about your mom," she says gently, reaching out to put a hand on his knee. "She sounds like a bitch." She's said it before, but she means it more heartfelt now, knowing what she knows. How anyone could poison their own child is beyond her, but then she thinks of the way Abby sent Clarke to the ground to die, even loving her as much as she did.

The poison is something else, something that she's determined to deal with, but not now. There's magic of all kinds in Darrow, Raven happens to be good friends with a wizard, and she's determined that there must be a way to cure him. She knows he'll reject the idea if she brings it up now, so she lets it go for the moment, but she's already planning on asking around.

"You'll drive yourself crazy thinking like that," she says, shaking her head. "Anything could happen, this city is living proof of that, but that doesn't mean shutting everyone out." If anything, Darrow has taught her to hold on tighter to what she does have. She smiles a little though, hearing him say aloud that he cares about her. "Besides, I like you too, and I'm done letting you push me away. I'm stubborn like that."

"She is," I say wryly. The last time she'd said that, I'd almost made an excuse for my mother but I don't know. She's a terrible person through and through and I spend so much time worrying that I'll become her, that I'll become that terrible person who enjoys causing pain to others.

"She's never been interested in having a son so when I did what I did, killing me was the easiest way to deal with the problem I'd become. Making sure it was slow and painful was for her personal enjoyment," I tell her quietly, rubbing my thumb against her cheek. A part of me wants to let go, slide back, protect her from me but I don't. I ignore that voice.

Instead, I lean forward again, pressing a kiss against her temple this time. She talks and I'm close enough to feel her jaw moving underneath my fingers and hear the promise in her words. For a moment, I do nothing more but touching her, hand to her cheek and my cheek against her temple before pulling back.

"You're brave like that," I tell her because only someone courageous would want to be closer than arms length with the likes of me. "Braver than I am."

"What did you do?" Raven asks, curious. Maybe it's not the time or the place, maybe there are better questions she should be asking, but she's stuck on that one. She knows a little of how he was raised and now she knows what his mother is like, so she's interested to know how he turned out the way he did. For all his protesting, he's clearly not the man his mother might have wanted him to be.

She leans into him, lets him continue to touch her, kiss her temple. He's warm and he smells good and Raven could sit here all day if he'd let her. If things continue like this, she thinks maybe he even would let her, which is novel.

It's not bravery that keeps her here but more a kind of selfish whim, but she doesn't care. If he wants to keep saying nice things about her she's hardly going to stop him. Some part of her wants to circle back around to the poison thing, to chastise him for not recognising how brave he is himself when he's sitting here with her, going against all the things he's apparently been telling himself since he got here.

Instead, she waits until he pulls back a little before she tilts her head, moves so that she captures his lips with hers, just for a moment. Last time she tried this it hadn't gone so well, but she's not that easily put off, and she likes her chances a little more this time.

"Left," I tell her quietly, closing my eyes and letting those memories wash over me. With one sense voluntarily cut off, all I can feel is her soft skin and all I can hear is her smooth voice and all I can smell is her. It helps the sting of the memories not be so brutal this time.

"I didn't want to stay at Blackcliff anymore," I explain, sighing and shaking my head slightly. "I couldn't -- what was happening there, what was being done to people wasn't right and I did my best to fix it but I failed. So, I left with one of the Scholars to try and retrieve her brother from Kauf. That's the prison I was in before I was here. I failed there too."

I'd been ridiculous to think I could sneak into something so well guarded as Kauf without being caught. The Warden has been waiting for me and he'd delighted in torturing me for the few shorts days I'd been there. I still felt the effects of that and I hadn't been there as long as the likes of Tas or Darin.

I suppress a quiet sound of displeasure when she starts to move but that's immediately forgotten about when she kisses me. This time, my response is immediate. I don't tense up, I don't hesitate, I'm not tentative. She'd leaned into me and I repay the favor, leaning into her and letting my hand fall from her cheek to her shoulder and then wandering its way down her arm until I can brush my fingers against hers.

She expects a more dramatic answer, but the more she learns about his past, the more she's beginning to think that's about the most dramatic thing he could have done. It brings a small smile to her face, easing the tension in her shoulders a little. She's trusted that he's a good person because Raven knows she's good at reading people, but hearing him say that he tried to leave that kind of life does reassure her.

She doesn't know what series of events led to his friend being killed at his hand, but she feels better knowing it hadn't been a malicious killing as ordered by his mother.

"Pretty brave of you," she murmurs against his lips after he kisses her back, a slow smile dragging at her lips. There's no tension in him this time, and Raven curls her fingers into his, her other hand moving around the curve of his neck. She kisses him again, drawing him closer as she leans back into the couch. Speaking doesn't ever seem to reassure him all that much, so Raven intends to prove that she trusts him in other ways.

I couldn't help but think that maybe it was more selfish than brave. I hadn't tried to take anyone else but Laia and if I could have avoided that, I would have. I left Helene behind, left her to deal with Marcus and the all the Gens that were out for blood. I left her behind with my mother.

I don't know if that could be considered brave. I don't know if that could even be considered a move that someone you called your best friend would make. I can only hope that Helene survives.

I don't have much time to think about that when she pulls me closer and I go willingly, shifting around so I don't completely crush her with my weight but am still able to lean against her comfortably. I shiver again, knowing that she'll feel it this time and I hope she chalks it up to the proximity and not the fact that I haven't been this close to someone in a long, long time.

I'm not a complete novice but bleeding skies, it's been a long time since I've wanted to be this close to someone so I'm worrying about doing something wrong that will turn her off and turn her away from me.

"I haven't done anything like this in awhile," I say, breathing the words against her lips and squeezing her hand. "I'm sorry if I do something wrong. It's been...a long time."

He's apologising, which is such a ridiculously Elias thing to do, but at least he's not pulling away. Admittedly, Raven hasn't done this in a while either. The last time she slept with anyone was Wick, and that hadn't gone all that well, in the end. But that had mainly been her fault, her anger at him and mostly at herself making for an awkward after. It had been the first time she tried to do this with the brace, and she'd been more frustrated with that than anything else.

This time she's had a little more time to come to terms with it, even if she's still kind of hoping he doesn't notice it when he shifts against her. She moves her leg a little, tries to stop the joints from digging into him at all. Eighteen months ago she could have done this without a second thought, without having to think of the logistics at all, but she's determined not to let that ruin this.

"You're not doing anything wrong," she assures him, kissing him again. It's not how she expected this day to go, exactly, but she's surprised by how much she wants it. Raven slips her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, shifting so that their legs slot between each other. "Trust me, you're doing fine."

My sofa might not be the best place to do something like this but my focus has fizzled out and I can't bring myself to suggest moving. Moving meant moving away from her and I didn't want to do that. I'd been here for months now, kept myself separate and distant from everyone save for a few times and the craving and desire for touch and affection had seeming overpowered my own need to keep people safe.

"Okay," I murmur, trusting her words and feeling how she seemed to be just as eager for wherever this was going as I was. I pressed my head back against her hand, making a sound at how nice it felt before I realized I probably looked ridiculous.

An apology wants to fall from my lips but I silence it by catching her lips in another kiss, a little firmer than before. I wouldn't say I was tentative before but the longer this goes on, the longer she's here, I feel my confidence and want grow.

I let go of her hand because I want to touch her so I do. I let my fingers travel down over her side, over her shirt, pressing and stroking every so often until my hand lands on her hip where I squeeze gently. My lips find their way to her neck and I breathe her in her and then kiss the long slope of her neck down to her shoulder and at the pulse in her throat, even taking the bold move (for me, at least) and licking at it slowly.

For a moment he looks sheepish at the sound, but Raven gives him a smile in encouragement before he kisses her again. This time he's a little more determined, it seems, more intent, and Raven tugs a little at his hair again, just to see if he'll make that sound against her lips.

His hand finds its way to her hip and Raven pulls him closer, bending her good leg to give him room. It's not the most ideal spot, and she knows there must be a bed down the corridor, but she never wants to move. Moving would break whatever this is, and she's spent too long trying to convince him to open up to risk him shutting down now.

Instead, she tilts her head to the side a little as he moves down her neck, kissing along her throat. Her breathing is already coming a little faster and she closes her eyes a moment, lets the smell and feel of him wash over her. "Elias," she says, but she doesn't know entirely what she's asking for. She definitely doesn't want him to stop, so she arches against him a little, running her hand up the back of his shirt to feel the muscles shift in his back.

The slightly sharp pull of my hair sends a little thrill down my spine and I moan quietly against her mouth. That was -- that wan't exactly a voluntary reaction but she doesn't seem put off and she definitely doesn't feel put off either. So, I don't say anything, don't apologize and sink a little further down, pressed more flush against her.

I'm still careful not to let the entirety of my weight rest against her but she's so soft and beautiful that I have to remind myself to not just let go entirely. The sofa is sofa and has some give but I'm aware of my size and how much smaller she is than me.

I've made it down to her collarbones when she says my name. I nose against her shirt, press a kiss against the underside of her chin before I shift enough that I can see her eyes again. One of my thumbs is stroking against her hip, just barely brushing beneath her shirt every so often.

"Yes?" I ask, licking my lips and reveling in how I can still feel her skin there. The thought brings a stain of pink to my cheeks and I almost look away shyly. "Is everything all right?"

Having him stop is the last thing she wanted, but at least he doesn't pull away too far. His fingers on her hip are tentative, and she's still surprised by how much she wants him to touch her more. It's been a long time and even the slightest touch of his hands sends a shiver down her spine.

"You weren't supposed to stop," she chastises, but she's smiling down at him, half amused. For all that he acts shy and reserved, he knows how to use his mouth. There's a sweet blush moving its way across his cheeks and Raven leans forward to kiss him, catching him with her lips and moving her hand further up his back, his shirt pulling upwards a little.

"Everything is fine," she assures him, in between kisses. "More than fine."

"I thought you were trying to get my attention," I tell her, laughing quietly. This is still a new situation and I'd worried that I'd overstepped a boundary and maybe kissed somewhere that was off limits. I'd spent far too much time ignoring people that were in obvious need back home, I didn't want to do that now even if what Raven and I were doing right now was radically different than what took place back in Blackcliff.

"Everything is fine," I repeat, nodding. Right now, I believe that, I believe her. The constant swirl of guilt and tension that I carry around seems a distant memory and I take a deep breath to revel in that before smiling again.

I drop another kiss against her lips before dragging my own lips down her neck again, returning to where I was before she called my name and I thought she'd needed something. I keep her words in mind, that everything's fine, that she doesn't want me to stop and use those as encouragement to finally sneak a hand the tiniest bit up the side of her shirt so my fingers can press against the skin of her side. She's warm. Maybe she's warm everywhere and I go no further than that, wanting to make sure that's fine before I think about more.

Her shirt is soft under my lips and I move back and forth across the top of her chest, expressing appreciation and care and compassion and just flat out passion as best as I'm able with my mouth and lips.

He repeats it like he's trying to convince himself, but it's better than him second guessing every minute. She wants him to relax, wants him to enjoy this, but she doesn't want to rush him into anything he doesn't want.

He goes back to what he was doing before, burning a line of kisses down her neck, and Raven gives a small sigh of pleasure before she decides that this could be better. Her shirt keeps getting in the way of both his lips and his hands, and Raven wants to be able to feel his skin against her properly. She pulls him up for another kiss before she puts a hand on his chest and gently moves him back a little, trying to make it as clear as possible that she's only giving herself room, not pushing him away.

With one elbow holding her weight, she tugs at her shirt, pulling it up and over her head so that she can drop it to the floor. She lets herself fall back against the couch then, giving him a wry smile. "Still fine?" she asks, raising one eyebrow.

I shift slightly, move back to give her room thinking that maybe she needs to breathe because of my weight. I start to ask what she needs when she strips off her shirt and tosses it onto my floor. The words that were trying to make their way out of my mouth turn into a strangled sound of pleasure and enjoyment.

"Bleeding skies," I mumbled, blinking and shamelessly taking her and all that newly exposed skin in. "Yes, I'm still -- still fine."

I was better than fine, in fact. My brain has seemingly stopped working and all I can do for a moment is stare at her. I shake myself when I realize I've stared for too long and come back closer to her.

"I'm fine," I murmur as I lean down and kiss her. I spend a few moments kissing her lips before moving again, trailing my mouth down her neck and now, down to one bare shoulder. I stay there for awhile, nuzzling and kissing and breathing her in before taking a breath and moving lower.

The couch is not built for someone of my height to be doing this but I let a leg hang over the edge and the other off the back of my soft. But, I don't care. I don't care because once I've moved to where I can to be, I can actually lower myself down and kiss he stomach, watch the movement when she breathes and brush my hair over the soft, smooth surface.

It's been a long time since anybody looked at her like that, and Raven takes a moment to appreciate it. Sleeping with Wick had been fast and messy and on a table for crying out loud, and he hadn't stopped to look at her. They'd been distracting each other more than anything, but this is different. Maybe it's still on a crappy little couch, but Elias stops to look at her like he's never seen anything like her, and Raven can admit that she likes it. A whole lot.

"Good," she says, but if she was going to say anything else it's lost in the way he moves down her body again. Her breathing stutters when he reaches her stomach and she shifts a little underneath him. She runs her hand over the back of his head, through his hair to massage his scalp and then around to cup his cheek.

At this angle she can't really get to him to touch, but she does what she can, rocking her hips up towards him. She wants to get his own shirt off, so she sits up a little more even if it means dislodging him for the moment, reaching for the hem of his shirt and tugging.

I could stay here for the rest of my life and be happy. I could listen to her breathe and feel her stomach contract when I kiss it and roll around in how her hips jerk because of me for years and never get tired of it. It's such a new thing, a rare good moment that I don't ever want to end.

I don't even realize that I've hummed against her skin and that one of my fingers has found its way underneath the waistband of her pants, just holding on, touching, exploring. So caught up in her, I almost don't realize she's trying to get my shirt off.

I sit up a bit and hold up my arms, letting her drag the thin tee shirt off of me and toss it away. She's seen me like this before, weeks ago, but I'd been so distracted by other things that I hadn't gotten to really enjoy it. I don't even cut a glance at the scar on my arm where my mother had poisoned me and I always want to cover that spot up.

Once my shirt's gone, I lean forward again, bracing a hand above each of her shoulders and gazing down at her silently. "You're so beautiful. I could stare at you all day but I could -- I could also do other things with you too. Is that -- do you want to keep going? Slow down? Stop?"

It's not the first time she's seen him without a shirt on, but it is the first time she gets to see and touch. She runs her fingers over his skin, sliding her hand up his chest. There's a few scars that she avoids, more for his own piece of mind than anything. She doesn't want to ruin this, doesn't want him to pull away from her self consciously or otherwise.

He hovers above her, his arms braced either side and his hair falling into his eyes a little, and Raven doesn't think she's ever seen someone so attractive. It's somehow ridiculously unfair that someone like him has gone through what he has, but she came here to get his mind off of all that. She smiles up at him, runs her hand up his arm and over his shoulder.

"If you don't keep going," she warns, her voice light and eyes amused, "I'm going to be very disappointed."

She'll stop in a heartbeat if he wants to, of course, but she doesn't think he does. She does, however, think that if they're going to continue it might not be a bad idea to relocate. "I'm assuming there's a bed here," she says slowly, raising one eyebrow.

"Well, I don't want that," I say lightly, feeling one corner of my mouth curling up into a lopsided smile. I lower myself down for a moment, drop another kiss on her forehead before nodding in answer to her question.

"There is," I tell her, looking down the nearby hallway. "It's much bigger than what I was given back at Blackcliff. Much more comfortable too."

And probably much better than this couch. I'd slept on the sofa a few times here and there when the nights grew long and my guilt was overwhelming enough that I didn't think sleep would come at all. It was not built for someone of my height but the bed sometimes seemed too comfortable and I'd convinced myself I was undeserving of that.

Before I move off of her, I press one more kiss against her should before starting the process of extricating myself from atop of her, careful of her leg and the shirts in a pile on the floor.

Once I'm standing, I smile down at her and offer a hand not because I think she needs help but because I'd like to continue to touch her until we're in my bedroom and I can touch a little more thoroughly.

He's gentler with her than she thinks anybody has ever been. The kisses he drops to her forehead are sweet and soft and Raven is torn between wanting to do more and just laying here to kiss him forever. Eventually he moves off her and holds out his hand, and Raven hesitates for only a beat.

She wants this, she does. It's nothing to do with him or with what they're doing here, but it occurs to her suddenly that the bed means taking this further, means that the contraption on her leg is about to become an issue. The last time she was here, her nerves had cracked the minute Wick put his hand on the thing, and he had helped build the damn thing. She doesn't want Elias to falter at it, doesn't want to see the look on his face when he remembers this isn't going to be as simple as tumbling into the bed and each other.

But she wants it anyway, and so she puts her hand in his, lets him pull her up off the couch. She leans into him, kissing him firmly to dispel any questions. With one hand she tugs out her hair-tie, lets her hair spill around her shoulders and then takes his hand. "Show me where the magic happens," she teases, the words dragged across his jaw.

Edited 2017-05-21 11:15 (UTC)

The hesitation is so brief that I'm not even sure I see it. I fight back the urge to ask her if she's all right because, after all the tentativeness and hesitation I'd thrown at her the past few weeks, she has every right to take her time in this and I have no right to rush her no matter how much my body wants this. My self control might be fraying but it's still there.

So, I wait and smile gently down at her. When she takes my hand, I squeeze lightly and meet her halfway when she leans in to kiss me. It's so different than the first kiss we'd shared because I'm not holding back as much. One of the dams inside me has broken and I'm really, really trying to give more than I have been. She deserves that and I want to feel more than despair, desolation and sorrow. I want to feel her. I've wanted that for awhile.

"You have a high opinion of what's gone in my bedroom since I've arrived here," I tell her, a laugh in my voice. I start to turn us towards the bedroom when she pulls her hair free and that just stops me again while I watch the tumble of dark hair fall over her shoulders and around her face.

I have to shake myself and clear my throat before I finally get us moving towards the bedroom. Most of my lights are out and while the sun isn't high in the sky any longer, it is throwing in enough light to see.

I pull her into the bedroom with me, eyes falling on the bed, still made, in the center. Seeing it makes this real and it makes me shiver. When we're close enough to the bed but still standing, I turn back to her and reach for her cheek again, leaning down to kiss her lightly.

"If there's magic in here tonight, it will be because of you."

It's a terribly cheesy line and she does laugh because she can't help it, but it's sweet, too. Coming from Elias it sounds genuine, not like a line at all, and when he kisses her it's gentle and soft and different to any kind of kiss she's ever had. Maybe it's because of the way things were on the ground, maybe it's just because Raven had a tendency to sleep with people who weren't interested in showering her with this kind of sweet-talk. Finn had, in the beginning, but a stint behind bars and everything that happened after changed that considerably.

Part of it scares her, sends a jolt of nerves down her spine. She knows it terrifies him to open up, but she'd be lying if she said she was completely fine with doing the same. It's been a long time since she let anybody get close like this, but she's determined to let this happen, to enjoy it instead of thinking about it too much.

"I am pretty good," she allows, teasing him a little with a smirk playing on her lips. She steers him towards the bed until he's sitting on the edge of it, and she slots herself between his legs, her hands on his shoulders. After a beat she realises she's still wearing her shoes, so she kicks them off quickly behind her as she leans down to kiss him again.

When she pulls back, she raises an eyebrow. "You're trying to tell me the bed of a guy who kisses like that hasn't seen any action?"

Her laugh draws one out of me as well and I duck my head, feeling the heat in my cheeks flare up again. It's shyness though not embarrassment and not anything that's going to send me skittering away. It's just very nice to hear her laugh and be able to join in without feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

Hopefully that feeling doesn't hit me later and won't sit on my chest, bringing me feelings of suffocation and pain in the aftermath.

I move easily when she gives me a nudge, dropping down onto the edge of the bed and reaching to curve my hands around her sides, unable to stop myself from stroking my thumbs over her bare skin. My fingers are rough, a bit scarred from the torture by the Warden, but I forget about all that when I touch her.

I forget even more when she kisses him and my hold tightens, fingers brushing up against the waist of her pants again but going no further. Not yet. Not until she's ready no matter how much I want to touch more.

"Not once since I've been here," I say, blinking up at her and shaking my head. "This is the first time's someone other than me has been in here. I haven't been with anyone for years."

Part of that was due to how busy being a Mask kept me and the other part was purely me, purely knowing that I was a Veturius and I didn't want to inflict myself on anyone.

"I haven't wanted to be with anyone," I say quietly, shaking my head. I'd thought about Laia like that once or twice but she'd had Keenan and I'd turned all my focus to her brother and getting him out of Kauf.

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