veturius | (no subject)

It's cold again today. The brief, isolated change had been nice but unnatural and I'm almost glad that things have gone back to normal. I don't mind the changing of the seasons but I prefer they happen gradually, not freezing one day and hot the next. It makes me nervous.

The cold doesn't really bother me much anyway. Sometimes, it's even nice and that's why I've cracked the window in my home, letting in a crisp breeze. I've already done a bit of training, cleaned up and now I'm sitting idly, television on but unwatched.

This also makes me nervous, sitting and doing nothing. I feel that I'm either missing something that needs doing or that I'm going to be caught out and punished severely. It takes reminding myself that the commandant isn't here to set my mind off of that track.

I should go out, do something but I don't know where to go or what to do so I just sit there, tapping my fingers against my knee while a movie drones on in the background. Perhaps one day I'll be able to be still and not feel like I'm doing something wrong.

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She knows that any doctor is going to chastise her for taking something off a strange, but right now Raven will take it. She knows she deserves it, and if anybody has a way of getting AlIE out of her head, she's willing to listen. She's tried to drown her out with noise and with exercise and with alcohol and so far nothing has worked, so it's probably time to turn to the professionals.

She knows as soon as she thinks it that ALIE isn't going to like it, however. Whatever her end game is, being extracted from Raven's brain definitely doesn't factor in, and the minute Raven starts considering replying yes, she can hear her voice, yelling at her, threatening her.

After a month she has more of an inkling of what's been happening, and she knows that the pain in her leg is gone because somehow ALIE has a way of shutting off the pain receptors in her brain. Logically, she knows that she has the ability to take away the blockers, and when she goes to agree with Elias, the voice in her head starts threatening to do exactly that. The pain will be back, the memories will be back, and when the warning comes she says it will be worse, much worse.

But anything is better than not having control over her own mind. Raven steels herself, nods. "Whatever it takes," she says. "Please."

As soon as the words are out of her mouth she sees ALIE frown, her eyes narrowed, and then all the pain she's been blocking over the last month comes back in a rush. It's overwhelming, the pain ricocheting through her leg and her spine, exploding in her head, and Raven screams, doubling over.

I want to reassure her. I want to tell her that I'll help her like she's helped me but I don't get the chance. I don't get to do anything but catch her in my arms and pull her against me because she starts screaming and it's a sound that I don't ever wish to hear again. Something -- someone -- is causing her pain unlike anything she can deal with and I don't know what to do.

Standing there and holding her isn't going to work but it's all I can think to do. I rub her back, press a kiss against her head and say her name over and over and over again, trying to get her attention.

"Raven," I say, raising my voice, trying to get her to focus. "Raven, we're going to the hospital. We have to go now. I don't know what to do and you need help. I'm going to carry you, all right? I promise, you're going to be okay."

In the back of her mind she registers the fact that Elias is holding her, saying her name over and over. She tries to focus on him but her eyes keep squeezing shut as the pain takes over and Raven can't think about anything else. It's pain like she's never felt in her life, like everything she's ever experienced is crashing back at once. All those cuts the Grounders had covered her in when she'd been framed for the poison, the bullet entering her spine, the surgery without anaesthesia, the drill. It all hits her at once and it's all she can do to hold on, to force her eyes open.

When she does it's not Elias she sees but ALIE, lingering close and shaking her head. "Just say the word, Raven," she says, her tone cool and calm as ever. "I can make it stop."

Raven knows what she wants, knows that all her attempts to drown her out over the past few weeks have been testing her patience. She's aggressive, for an AI, and Raven knows that if she lets her do what she wants, she'll spread herself around the city. She can't let that happen and she still has enough presence of mind to fight back. She grits her teeth, focuses on Elias's voice and manages to nod. She doesn't know how they're going to treat her without any physical symptoms, the pain just screaming in her head, but she doesn't trust herself to hold out on ALIE alone anymore.

"It's going to be okay," I tell her, picking her up like she weighs nothing, like she's light as a feather. I don't want her to feel like she's an invalid, like she can't do it herself but this will be faster. She's in so much pain and, unless I call the healers to come here, we're not going to make it there quickly when she's hurting so badly.

The screams cut at him, rip his insides to shreds and I want so desperately to be able to do more than just carry her to the healers. I want to be the one to help, not someone else.

When she's in my arms, I press a kiss to her forehead and tell her, "I love you. It's going to be okay."

All I have are words. All I can do it try and reassure her. With her in my arms, I shoulder open the door and start walking, falling into a brisk pace that I hope gets us there quick.